The Matrix Reloaded: For Dummies
by ReaderZero
Summary: The world famous reviewer Reader in only my 3rd story under this penname. This story is for everyone who saw the movie and went 'DUH!!!'. Oh, vengeance flames are accepted and encouraged. I'm a sick guy.


Some people didn't understand the **Matrix Reloaded**… which is okay because some people are idiots. That's why I wrote a little story that sums up the Matrix Reloaded in a nutshell. I call it:

**The Matrix Reloaded: For Dummies.**

So one day Max goes to see the **Matrix Reloaded **with a couple of…well, slow…friends of his. They are Alice and Stan. Alice is about fifteen and she likes writing stupid stories, even though she's really not very good. Stan is the same age and he loves reviewing her stories and agreeing with her in every way. Why? Who knows? 

Now they're dressed the way most kids are nowadays with their jeans and their cut-offs and their frills and such. Max for some reason chose to wear a black suit and tie, with dark shades. Yes they laugh at him…and rightfully so. 

So they enter the theatre, take their seats and the movie starts. Here's a transcript of their conversation.

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The movie starts with the scene where Neo dreams of Trinity getting shot at….and shot at…and shot at….

Alice: This is boring. When's the fighting gonna start.

Max: Technically the fighting did start. That's what the bullets are for.

Alice: Yeah but they wont stop! It's boring.

Max: I know, but it's foreshadowing. A scene like this will probably take place at the end. They want you to see it now to put it in context? 

Stan: Con…what?

Max: Just shut up and watch the movie.

The Nebuchadnezzar is seen flying around in the real world.

Stan: Nebukan… man it's really hard to spell. What a dumb name.

Max: It's the name of a king in the bible.

Alice: So it's still hard to spell. They could have called it the Nebukanezer.

Max: But then it would have lost all meaning. Besides, they showed you how to spell it in the first movie. Didn't you see the plaque?

Alice: I didn't watch the first movie.

Max: Oh boy…

Stan: Still hard to say and spell.

Max: Use Google and look it up. Takes 2 seconds, even if you spell it wrong.

Audience: SHHHHH!!!

The scene comes when Morpheus proposes someone stay behind to meet the Oracle.

Alice: Why does someone have to stay to see the Oracle? She's Zion's prophet, isn't she?

Max: When was it ever mentioned that she lived in Zion?

Stan: Just now.

Max: What….no it wasn't. Everyone goes to see the Oracle inside the Matrix. Besides if you just hang on you'll realize that she's a program and can't exist anywhere but in the Matrix.

Stan: But we didn't know that.

Max: And yet you complained about it?

Stan: Still dumb though.

Max: Riiiight.

Ballard makes his joke about staying behind just so he can see what Lock does to Morpheus for disobeying the rules.

Alice: Why's he gonna stay behind and get dead so that he can see that other guy's face?

Max: You couldn't be any more confused…or confusing.

Alice: That guy! The black guy! Wait, they're like all black.

Max: A lot of them are. You have a problem like that? Do you want a 'Friends' or 'Dawson's Creek' world where everyone's white?

Stan: It'd be more realistic.

Max: I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that, and instead I'll just say that it's not inexorable that Ballard…or that guy…is gonna die just because he stayed behind.

Alice: You use big words, you geek.

Max: Sigh.

Neo kicks some ass and flies away to see if the Oracle is home.

Alice: Oh that looked so stupid.

Max: What?

Alice: Him flying. That was so gay.

Stan: Yeah

Max: What was bad about it?

Alice: Well…his arms…. and he flew straight into the air….that's so dumb.

Max: And you would have preferred?

Alice: I don't know…. maybe like how Clark flew in Smalleville.

Max: You're comparing Smalleville to this?

Alice: Yeah!

Stan: Yeah!

Max…

The Neb returns to Zion and there is a confrontation with Lock and Morpheus.

Alice: Why do they think the love triangle is the reason Lock's so mean, and not the fact that Morpheus disobeyed a direct order?

Max: 'Cause… emotions usually dictate actions. If Morpheus disobeyed Lock's order…and he wasn't Niobe's ex…would Lock have still been such a hardass?

Alice: Come again?

Max: Please keep that vacant stare for the movie screen. Please.

As Neo goes and encounters a bunch of worshipers, my friends continue their critique.

Alice: Why is everyone black!?

Stan: yeah!

Max: Umm…I can count at least 6 white people that I can see, probably more. It is a thick crowd. I can also see lots of Asians, Spanish folks, there's some natives…

Alice: There should be more white people!

Stan: Yeah!

Max: Why?

Alice: What do you mean, why? Because that's how it is in real life!

Max: You realize that in real life, in comparison to the total number of people on earth, white people are the minority.

Alice: What?

Max: Why should there be more white people in Zion? This is the most racially diverse movie.  I've seen in some time….and you've got a problem with it?

Alice: Pshh, Talk to the hand!

Stan: Yeah.

Max: Oh, so if they were all white people pretending to be black, it would have been better. (Sighs) Youth.

Alice: Oh and suddenly Tank is dead?

Max: Did she say that, I don't remember. He was seriously injured so it wouldn't surprise me if he died or was put off ship.

Alice: And all of a sudden nobody wants to be on the ship with the One! Hello!?

Max: Would you like to be put on a ship that the machines actually try to look for all the time so that they can kill their biggest threat? You did see what happened to the old crew of the Nebuchadnezzar in the first movie, right?

Stan: Yeah but, Neo's the One.

Max: Only in the Matrix, my friend.

Alice: Well why does Link even want to go to the Neb, I mean his girlfriend's whole family is dead!

Max: Where'd you hear that?

Alice: She just said it.

Max: No….she didn't. Tank and Dozer were Zion Born. If she's their flesh and blood sister, that means she was too. That means that they have parents. Those parents probably have brothers or sisters, which means she's got cousins and nephews. Just because they weren't seen doesn't mean they don't exist.

Alice: Shh. Orgy scene.

Max: (Sigh)

Alice: Oh and now they're not panicking even though the crazy guy tells them that a bunch of sentinels are coming.

Max: They're not panicking because Morpheus just told them not to, and he apparently has earned their trust.

Alice: What a dumb speech.

Max: What would you have done, go through a rendition of Bootylicious by Beyonce?

Alice: WHAT-ever!

We see Bane trying to convince his captain to take the mission, and he's looking even more Snydly Whiplashy every moment.

Alice: Great, another traitor psycho. Lame!

Stan: Just like the 1st movie.

Alice: At least Cypher had a personality.

Max: Are… are you watching the same movie I am? You didn't miss the part where Smith took over Bane's body…and now Smith has taken over Bane's body in the real world, did you?

Alice: What?

Max: That's not Bane! That's Smith! Bane was a good guy; Smith is a machine, that's why he's got no personality.

Stan: What are you talking about?

Alice: That didn't happen.

Max: Oh my God. That is just…. weird!

And so the movie goes on and on. Neo goes to meet the Oracle and fights Seraph.

Alice: Neo doesn't seem stunned that he can't beat a guy. I'd be afraid.

Max: Neo knows they're really just sparring. When you're in martial arts you can tell whether or not someone's trying to kill you. That's why they can hold martial arts tournaments.

Alice: Are you still talking?

Max bashes his head against the chair in front of him.

The Oracle has the talk with Neo.

Alice: What stupid names.

Max: Merovingian? A stupid name? Do you even know what it means?

Stan: Who cares it's stupid.

Max: Merovingians were French people who thought they were the direct descendents of Christ. That's why they chose the name…

Alice: Dumb ass names.

Max: Say it.

Alice: What?

Max: Say Merovingian.

Alice: No.

Max: You can't say it, can you?

Alice: Shut up.

Max: Why do we hate what we do not understand?

Alice: Oh that's so fake! That's not Keannu that's CGI.

Max: Find me a guy who can actually do all of those moves.

Alice: It's still fake.

Max: So are the 99 Agents Smiths. I don't see you complaining about them.

Stan: Oh yeah. They look pretty real.

Alice: Shut up Stan.

Max: Heh.

Finally the ground crew of the Neb go to see the Merovingian.

Max: Ugh, I hate this conversation. Causality crap. How boring.

Alice: Okay…he's not giving Morpheus what he wants. Why's he just accepting it?

Max: Uh…and what do you want him to do? Blow everyone away in a building strapped with explosives?

Alice: Uh…shut up.

Max: Thought so.

Alice: Oh this fight is so much like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

Max: Probably because they had the same fight director.

Alice: What?

Max: Never mind.

The long action scene now leads to the highway.

Alice: Lame! How did Morpheus end up fighting an Agent on the semi?

Max: W-what?

Alice: How did Morpheus end up fighting an Agent on the semi?

Max: Are….are you even watching the movie.

Alice: Well I just came back from the washroom.

Max: So you missed it. Why is that the movies fault?

Alice: Because nothing's my fault.

Stan: Alice, you're kind of a bitch.

Alice: Shut up!

The movie races towards the ending, starting with Morpheus's speech.

Alice: Coincidence? All ships have Captains. And why is the Neb the only ship with like less than four people?

Max: The Logos has only three.

Alice: Sorry, I'm not paying attention. Boy those writers don't know what to do with Agent Smith do they? They just brought him back because the fans like him. What stupid roles he's got.

Max: You're joking right?

Alice: No, it is, right Stan?

Stan: Well…actually Smith had that whole thing in the 1st movie about how humans were viruses, and now he's kinda a virus. That's ironic, so it has meaning. I think they planned that out.

Max: Plus Neo now has powers in the Real World thanks to his interaction with Smith. That's called careful planning my dear.

Alice: Sorry? I was filing my nails.

Max and Stan both smash their heads.

Neo meets the Architect in a long and involving and complex speech.

Alice: What? Why does he want to destroy Zion, but allow Neo to choose the most powerful to live and continue the war!? It doesn't make sense.

Max: I know, not now. But after you see it a couple of times it'll make perfect sense.

Alice: This is my 12th time seeing it.

Max: Oh. Okay…. Then I'll run it down for you. They need Zion to take in the 1% of people who constantly reject the Matrix, and they allow the myth of the One to propagate, because every 100 years the One will come to the Source, input his data and allow the Matrix to Reload. Zion is destroyed, yet the people the One chose live, allowing the myth of the One to continue. If this doesn't happen, then the Matrix will crash, everyone will die, and the machines will have to look for a new source of power….and they might not be able to do that.

Alice: You lost me after Okay.

Max:: Okay.

Alice: What a dumbass! So Neo chose Trinity who was gonna die anyway over humanity?

Max: You'd rather he just start the cycle all over again? He wouldn't be much of a hero, would he?

The movie ends showing Neo in a coma and Bane next to him.

Alice: Ahh! That was so abrupt! What the hell was that?

Max: Something we like to call a 'cliff-hanger'. See it'll lead directly into Revolutions.

Alice: Ugh! What a crappy ending.

Max: Why don't you stay behind to see the teaser trailer for Reloaded?

Alice: What?

Max: You've seen the movie 12 times and you've never stayed behind?

Alice: I'm gonna miss Gilmore Girls!

Max: Okay Alice. Stan. I hope you guys understand the movie now.

Stan: I understand some of it.  Kinda….

Alice: The movie sucked. It's because it's the 2nd of 3 movies and that usually means disaster for the 2nd.

Max: Right…

Alice: See ya.

Alice and Stan leave Max behind. Max pulls out an earpiece and plugs it in.

Max: There is nothing to worry about. They are both oblivious to the truth, and they will probably never understand. The boy we may have to keep an eye out for.

Max leaves.

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End file.
